Dear Pastor’s Wife… You Don’t Have to Make Yourself Small

Humility, Creativity, and the Freedom to Be Who God Created You to Be

I’ve spent almost my entire life in ministry. I grew up as a pastor’s kid, watching my mother navigate life as a pastor’s wife. Eventually, I found myself in that same role. For more than twelve years, my husband and I served as lead pastors. Even though that season has changed, ministry continues to be a significant part of our lives.

When I talk about the expectations placed on pastors’ wives, I’m not speaking as an outsider. I’ve lived it.

I grew up in what we often called the fishbowl. People watched what we did, what we wore, how we behaved, and how we lived. As a pastor’s family, there was an unspoken expectation that we were supposed to be an example. Being an example is certainly part of Christian leadership, but sometimes the weight of being watched can cause us to become more concerned with people’s perceptions than with simply being who God created us to be.

Somewhere along the way, many women in ministry have confused humility with making themselves small.

We learn to be careful about what we wear, what we purchase, what we share, and how we celebrate. We hesitate to talk about accomplishments because someone might think we’re bragging. We downplay our abilities because someone might mistake confidence for pride. We sometimes even feel guilty for enjoying the blessings God has given us. Before long, we can become so concerned about how people perceive us that we begin hiding parts of who God created us to be.

I’ve wrestled with this myself.

Outside of ministry, I’m an interior designer. I love restoring old homes, collecting antiques, creating beautiful spaces, and giving forgotten things new life. Social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook have become creative outlets for me outside of my normal ministry roles. These accounts also serve as a living portfolio for my design work. It’s how people see what I do, get a sense of my design style and abilities, and hopefully hire me to help them with their own interior design needs.

It’s something I’m passionate about and have invested years into learning and developing. Yet there have been times when I’ve hesitated to share that part of my life. Not because I was ashamed of my work…but because I worried about how people might perceive it.

Would they think I was showing off? Would they think I was materialistic? Would they question my humility?

I’ve had to remind myself that humility is not the absence of confidence. It’s the proper understanding of where our gifts come from.

In the Beginning… God Created

The very first sentence of the Bible says:

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1 (NIV)

Before we read about commandments, ministry positions, church leadership, or religious expectations, we are introduced to God as Creator. What a Creator He is!

Think about the beauty of His creation. The flowers. The mountains. The oceans. The trees. The sunsets that paint the sky with colors no artist could ever fully reproduce. The intricate details of a butterfly’s wings. The brilliance of the changing seasons. The breathtaking beauty of a star-filled sky.

Let me ask you something.

Does God hide the beautiful things He creates?

Does He hide the flowers? Does He hide the oceans? Does He hide the sunsets? Does He hide the trees?

No.

His creation is all around us, displaying His creativity, His wisdom, and His glory.

Psalm 19:1 tells us:

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” (NIV)

Creation itself declares the glory of its Creator.

Then, in Genesis 1:27, we learn that we were created in His image. The image of a creative God. A God who designs, builds, forms, and brings beauty into existence.

Of course, this doesn’t mean everything we create is automatically good or that every accomplishment should be celebrated without examining our motives. However, perhaps we’ve spent too much time teaching women to be cautious about being seen and not enough time encouraging them to faithfully use what God has placed inside them.

There is a difference between displaying your gifts and demanding glory for them.

God Cares About Creativity

In Exodus 31, God filled Bezalel with His Spirit and gave him wisdom, understanding, knowledge, and all kinds of skills. God cared about artistry, beauty, and creativity. He equipped people with the ability to create beautiful things for His purposes. He didn’t dismiss artistry as unnecessary. He intentionally gifted someone with the ability to do it!

Why, then, would we assume that using the gifts God has given us somehow diminishes our devotion to Him?

From the outside looking in, helping someone redesign their kitchen might look like a superficial, maybe even unnecessary, thing in life. I see something different.

When I walk into a client’s home, I see the people. I see how they move through and use their space. I hear their desires for inviting others in and creating community and fellowship. I hear their desire for better functionality and greater confidence in their home.

Maybe they loved their house when they purchased it, but there’s this ONE area that hasn’t been updated in twenty-five years or more. Everything is tired, worn out, or broken, and the space simply doesn’t serve their family well anymore.

Helping someone create a beautiful space can be about much more than the beauty itself. It’s about making a home function better for the people living in it and creating spaces where families gather, conversations happen, hospitality is practiced, and memories are made.

We are called to be good stewards of all the resources God has provided. That includes our homes, our finances, our gifts, AND our people. Stewardship doesn’t always mean leaving something exactly as it is. Sometimes it means recognizing what we’ve been given and finding ways to make it more useful, functional, and welcoming.

After all, if nobody ever improved anything, we’d still be cooking outside over a fire and using outhouses!

I can appreciate a beautiful kitchen while recognizing that the kitchen itself isn’t the most important thing. The people who gather in it are. This is part of how I use the gifts God has given me to serve others, and I don’t believe that makes my work any less meaningful simply because it happens outside the walls of a church.

Humility Is Not Invisibility

Dear pastor’s wife…you are more than your husband’s title, the expectations of your congregation, or the image people have created of what a pastor’s wife should look like. You are a daughter of God, uniquely created and gifted by Him.

Maybe you’re an artist, a businesswoman, a teacher, a writer, an entrepreneur, or someone with a dream you’ve quietly tucked away. Your gifts don’t become less valuable because your husband is in ministry, and your calling doesn’t disappear because you’re helping him fulfill his.

You are not simply an extension of your husband’s calling. You have gifts, passions, abilities, and a purpose of your own. That doesn’t mean your marriage and ministry are competing with your individual calling. I believe they can beautifully complement one another.

Please don’t misunderstand me. Humility matters. Stewardship matters. Our motives matter. We should always be willing to examine our hearts before the Lord.

Being humble doesn’t mean pretending you have nothing to offer. Living modestly before God is not the same thing as making yourself small to satisfy people’s expectations.

You can love Jesus and love beautiful things. You can serve faithfully and build a successful business. You can support your husband’s calling while pursuing the gifts and passions God has given you. You can celebrate accomplishments while giving God the glory. You can be confident without being arrogant, grateful without being boastful, and visible without being vain.

There’s a difference between genuine humility and constantly managing how others perceive us. I wonder how many women in ministry have spent years doing the latter.

You Were Created for More Than an Image

I wonder how many pastors’ wives have spent years encouraging everyone else to discover their God-given purpose while quietly suppressing their own. How many have hidden their talents because they didn’t want to appear too successful? How many have downplayed their accomplishments because they were afraid someone might misunderstand? How many have become so accustomed to living in the fishbowl that they’ve forgotten what it feels like to simply be themselves?

I understand that struggle because I’ve lived it.

There will always be people watching, opinions being formed, and someone who misunderstands. We cannot spend our entire lives trying to satisfy expectations that God never placed upon us.

Think about what Jesus said in Matthew 5:16. He tells us to let our light shine before others so that they may see our good deeds and glorify our Father in heaven. Notice that He doesn’t tell us to hide our good deeds. He tells us where the glory belongs.

The answer to pride isn’t hiding our gifts. It’s making sure the glory goes to God.

What would happen if we stopped teaching women, even unintentionally, that being a good pastor’s wife means becoming less of themselves? What if instead we encouraged them to become everything God created them to be? Not for recognition, applause, or to build a platform for ourselves, but because the gifts God has entrusted to us deserve to be stewarded faithfully.

I also wonder what kind of example we’re setting for the next generation of women in ministry. Are we teaching them that faithfulness means quietly disappearing into the expectations of others? Or are we showing them that they can be fully devoted to Jesus while fully embracing who He created them to be?

I think about the young women watching us, just as I once watched my own mother. What are they learning from the way we live?

I hope they see women who love Jesus deeply, serve faithfully, and walk in humility. I also hope they see women who aren’t afraid to use their gifts, pursue their callings, and celebrate what God is doing in and through their lives.

Dear Pastor’s Wife…

Please hear my heart. I’m not encouraging you to seek attention, pursue recognition, or make your life about personal success. I’m encouraging you to stop allowing the fear of people’s opinions to determine how faithfully you use what God has entrusted to you.

Create, build, write, teach, lead, and dream. Use the abilities God has placed in your hands. When something beautiful comes from those gifts, don’t be afraid to be grateful for it. Remember where those gifts came from, who gave you the ability to use them, and where the glory belongs.

Dear pastor’s wife…you don’t have to make yourself small to prove that your God is big.

He is already big. He is perfectly capable of receiving glory through the gifts, creativity, abilities, and passions He placed inside you. The same God who created the flowers, oceans, mountains, and sunsets also created you, and He was intentional about the gifts He placed inside you.

So serve your church. Love your people. Support your husband. Don’t forget to be faithful to the woman God created you to be.

Because you have a calling, too.

There’s room for both.